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  • Laurie Frankel

Me and Musk on Mars...

Uncle Elon wants you!

from: Lauren <> reply-to: Lauren <> to: undisclosed-recipients date: Sunday, April 7, 2030 at 4:18 PM subject: Multi-Planet or Bust!

Dear Friends and Family, Well, Troy and I decided — we’re moving to Mars! His company is opening an interplanetary office and let’s just say they made us an offer we couldn’t refuse so as of May 1, 2030 please note our new address:

Biosphere 10, Building A3, Pod 11, Mars!

Earthlings :) now I know it seems like we’ll be 140 million miles away (because we will be,) but any night you miss us just look toward the east-southeast horizon and, low in the sky, about 2½ degrees to the lower right of the waning gibbous moon, glowing prominently will be us!…on Mars!

I know some of you (mom) are scratching your heads wondering what in the hey we’re doing, SpaceX’ing off to parts unknown but when WWIII or that big asteroid hits, who you gonna call? Mars, exactly! Mr. Musk wants to make sure there’s enough of a seed of human civilization somewhere else to bring it back and shorten the length of the dark ages. Think of it like your human gene dowry. You’re welcome :)

All of which is a long way of saying, love you! Lauren and Troy, your favorite Martians

P.S. Good luck with that melting polar ice cap…ha ha. We’ll keep the burning ember light on for you!

from: Lauren <> reply-to: Lauren <> to: undisclosed-recipients date: Friday, March 14, 2031 at 7:08 PM subject: Life on Mars…

Dear Friends and Family, Sorry, it’s taken me so long to write. I’d make a joke about time dilation but I’d just be making excuses. Truth is we’ve just been so darn busy settling in here on the red planet. Just as Mr. Musk promised, the 80 earth-day ride over was fun and exciting with zero-gravity games, movies, lecture halls, cabins and a restaurant. And of course, we got to float around a lot. I gave it 5 stars on TripAdvisor.

So everyone keeps asking, what’s it like living on Mars and I say it’s just like living on Earth if you lived inside a giant Tupperware container with a burp-ee lid. Remember 2025 and the nuclear scare and those who had them ran down to ‘hunker in the bunker’? It’s kind of like that only all the time. When we first landed, Troy said being here was a little like the show “Survivor” if no one survived, the landscape being a bit barren and all.

The good news is I’m younger here (relatively speaking, ha ha, don’t get me started) and I weigh less, too, the mass of Mars being different and all. But do I really weigh less? Well, yes, actually I do since the food here is barf. Forget about plans for iron foundries, pizza joints and nightclubs, they’ve yet to get the hothouses going (we can put a man on Mars, but we can’t…ha ha.) I am down to a svelte 48 (Mars) pounds thanks to a growing revulsion for the tuber and algae sandwiches and cricket smoothies. I tell Troy I imagine it’s like morning sickness only with nothing to show for it.

couple in silver space suits on mars from pexels
Oxygen shmoxygen!

For our 5th anniversary, Troy surprised me with his-and-her space suits and we picnicked on a nearby rock scape. The vista here is, as I like to say, “differently beautiful” or as the locals like to call it, RedMageddon. The celebration was actually pretty romantic till Troy’s low-oxygen monitor went off and we had to head back.

Okay, ta ta for now.

Hugs and kisses, Lauren and Troy, multi-planeteers

P.S. We’re officially inhabitants #53 and #54 of the projected 1 million Mars inhabitants. If this were a successful start-up, we’d be bajillionaires…ha ha.

P.S.S. There’s plenty of room in the pod and Mars is beautiful in the summer. Come visit!

from: Lauren <> reply-to: Lauren <> to: undisclosed-recipients date: Tuesday, May 18, 2032 at 12:08 PM subject: Patter of Little Martian Feet

Dear Friends and Family,

Remember what I said about morning sickness only with nothing to show for it? Well, forget it! Because on November 12, Troy and I welcomed Helena Jarsta Weatherton into the universe. She is officially Martian but we retained dual citizenship for when we come back down to earth (and we are coming so stop it already with the fossil fuels, would ya’ :)

I’d like little Helena to start school on Earth while Troy’s fine if she just touches down for college — tom-ayto, tom-ahto, right? Except here we say egg-playnt, egg-plahnt because, to everyone’s surprise, they started sprouting like crazy near the thermonuclear site.

We show little Helena photos of Earth (minus everything southeast of the prime meridian; when she says ‘scorched’ it comes out, shorst — too cute.) She thinks it’s funny planet Earth has little patches of green and blue as opposed to her hometown color of red. Makes me just the teeny tiniest bit sad that Mars is her home-home as opposed to her home-away-from-home, but I chalk my crying jags up to PTSD I mean post-partum (I always get those two confused). Troy thinks I just need some more B12. Who doesn’t?! Okay, off to pump :)

Lots of love, Lauren and Troy…and little Helena!!!

P.S. Congratulations to Etta & Paul on relocating to Earth’s newest continent, The Great Pacific Garbage Patch. Send pix!

from: Lauren <> reply-to: Lauren <> to: undisclosed-recipients date: Tuesday, November 14, 2034 at 9:11 PM subject: Mars shmars…

Dear Friends and Family, With the success of “Operation Warm-up Mars,” we now have a thick atmosphere and liquid oceans thankyouverymuch. In other words, bye-bye Tupperware, hello long, methane-infused walks on the beach (cough.) But seriously, it’s nice to be able to go outside, even with a gas mask. And, fun fact: tears fall more slowly here, just sayin’ :)

Management reached its population goal way earlier than expected thanks to Planet Earth’s big thinkers and their early-release-to-Mars Prison Program to relieve overcrowding. As a result, we’ve gotten all sorts of infrastructure built, schools opened, stores, restaurants, malls, a Disney theme park and, of course, prisons.

As a result of all this progress, not only can Mr. Musk finally come here to die :) but, once again, Troy has been promoted, this time to…drum roll please, Galaxy Manager! Which means, you guessed it, we’re on the move again, this time to…Proxima Centauri, galaxy HQ! As we multi-planeteers like to say: another day, another blast off!

At start of the New (Earth) Year please note our new address. It’s just for 5 (Proxima Centauri) years and given that we’ll be aging more slowly we just might be younger than when we left…somehow.

Anyway here’s our address:

Biosphere 1, Building 1, Pod 1, Proxima Centauri!

Love, Lauren, Troy and Helena, Multi-er Planeteers!

P.S. Sorry to hear about the latest mega storm. Long walks on the beaches of Sioux City anyone?

P.P.S. Real estate here is tight but I “hear” there will soon be a vacancy in Pod 11. Very spacious with great views of Albor Tholus and, on a good day, Pavonis Mons. It’s really been a most comforting place to hunker :) Let me know if there are any takers. And as our latest PR campaign says:

Mars — Come to Avoid Extinction. Stay for the Pizza!

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